As things are

Ever heard this one, “do well in your class 10 exams and your life will be a bed of roses” or “do well in your class 12 exams and your life…” or “do well in college and your…”? Anybody who has passed class 12 has definitely figured that all this is a whole bunch of baloney! Trust me; it takes much more than that to get to that bed of roses, no Peteboy I’m not talking about the typically Indian “First Night”.

I don’t know how you brainiacs have it, but neighbors and relatives get super inquisitive and desperately want to know what has been up with everyone else post graduation. Let me walk you through what we’ve been up to post graduation.

I guess you’re aware Peteboy Perfect Pessimist has moved overseas and is living an Amish existence whilst pursuing a Master of Science someplace in the US. He has stood up to his expectations and is faking about doing wretchedly in his course and continues to be a mumbling jumbling hard on. He still continues to run into dead end prospects. I believe he’s trying to put together a leaf blower. Dude, get real unless that thing runs on baby puke or someone’s fart on the other side of the earth, its not going to win you the nobel prize. He claims to have dates with some chick who is already latched on to some over achieving Stanford-Harvard alumni. Obviously his claims translate into binoculars, a locked room door and a whole lot of vibration.

Aajkarni is relishing working with Charag. Although he has realized that since every monkey with clothes on can get a bachelors degree he needs to spread his wings and try really hard and get back into Angels. Dude, don’t hide from the truth! Yes every angelite laughed at those buffoon’s with toothpaste for brains who pursued a management degree from angels. But, the brutal truth is without a family business or a masters you are just a monkey with clothes on. Apart from that he crashed his bike once and didn’t get shouted at and is now the proud brother of a class 11, angelite wannabe.

Bitterman is paying through his nose for a rather unusual course, Family Marriage Business Alliance. The be all and end all of this course is the never ending effort of trying to figure which families get married and what business are allianced (or is that which alliance are businessed). He still drives his Red Auto Crasher and still thinks Nerul and Powai are on the way to Airoli.

Roxa has been nursing an ailing bank balance. Though I think there is a strong relationship between Roxa’s bank balance and the bartenders average salary. I remind him that we are almost neighbors every weekend, because as you will realize in a bit I’ve been doing my share of over achieving too. Now since I’m trying to cut down on my artificial intoxicants intake, we meet every other weekend and spend amounts which used to be standard tips at the bars on bad coffee and worse chaat. He still is confused whether his 2 wheeler is a motorbike or a deadly chopper.

PACman aka Pluto, as you all probably know has pulled a Sadanand Swami (isn’t that the guy who cried “lift kara de” with socks in his throat and got his fingers insured for it?). I was with Roxa talking with Foetur one weekend when he told us that he lost so much weight that he weighs lesser than Roxa or me. At first I was like, “you mean he weighs lesser than Roxa AND me. Like Roxa AND me COMBINED” which I considered probable. But turns out PACman has thrashed my assumptions and now weighs as much as me or Roxa. Other than that he is trying to revolutionize how people of his faith do their banking.

Dented Happy Jaidev is trying hard to bid tata to his employer Bye-bye! Apparently answering calls all day isn’t what he bashed his brains all night over Dynamics of Machinery and Fluid Mechanics for.

“He who can, does...he who can't...teaches", having said that I tell you mechanics is a challenge and you need to apply yourself to crack it. Some people take a couple of attempts more than those over smart- notes maintaining, dabba eating, going home and studying, library book borrowing, the basic NO SOCIAL LIFERS!!

Hard Deep Fatty is one of them. He took time to clear mechanics because he probably tried to physically replicate each and every problem he found in the texts and notes. “He who can, does…”.

Now hypothetically imagine somebody like him, NOT HIM but like him. Somebody who walks, talks, thinks, studies, dresses and yeah maybe even looks like him decides that he is a suitable candidate for a job with the cess pool a la grande, the Angel teaching faculty. Given the extremely high and stringent standards of Angels, he gets the bloody job and very rightly so. But herein lies the tragedy, awww. Two months into his job, he plugs one of his final semester people. HEY, I FLUNKED IT TOO, HENCE STAND THE RIGHT TO MOCK AT HIM!! Now, that’s what education is all about. Being taught by people who’ve stood the test of time trying to pass subjects is exactly what budding receptionists need...“he who can't...teaches”. What say, Jaidev?

The next account is tragic so people, please stay strong. Foetur is not a rapist, not a pedophile, is not a drug abuser and is not a safe driver. But one morning his sibling walked into the room and found him strewn across the bed writhing in pain and yonder laid a severely abused old monk, Alcohol. No one could exactly estimate how long Alcohol was facing the wrath of treacherous Foetur. Some people say Foetur started abusing Alcohol the day he first donned a bandana, but I think the abuse dates much earlier.

It was when Foetur was being baptized that he bumped into this old monk, Alcohol. The old monks’ sweet taste made a permanent mark on Foetur’s mind. The contrasts of age didn’t matter to him, it was his sweet taste that he began craving for. As Foeter grew fatter with age (the essence is him growing fat not old), he slowly yet surely started abusing the poor old monk. I knew of his abuse and foretold God’s action on him, who abuses an old monk man!! It happened indeed, while working Foetur met other people who shared the same proclivity. Religiously, they’d meet over the weekend and systematically abuse Alcohol, Absoslut Smirnadi and others. It was during one of these romps when things went out of hand. Alcohol had enough of the abuse and summoned the courage to fight Foetur. Having routinely studied the Foetur’s ample body from the inside, he found his weakness. Foturs Achilles heel is his knee. The old monk cursed his knee and Foetur fell like a beer barrel (actually like 10 beer barrels). “No medicine can cure people like him” remarked the doctor on seeing Foeturs hapless body. Foetur went cold cabbage (turkey was struck of his diet as punishment) for a long time and now gradually shows signs of a more responsible citizen. I can vouch that he and his spectacles are more safe himself now, though he still doesn’t know how to drive.

All this brings it to me, I hope you haven’t fallen asleep in anticipation. Unlike these low lifes I have been upto some serious over achieving. While these buffoons had to go far and wide to make money, I remained sensible and continued begging at my dads door. You’ll be surprised what a little persistence can get! I have been computing a lot off late, I regularly spend 3-4 hours computing on intensive applications like Zero Conditions and the brand new Fafi 2007! I miss college a lot though, so much so that I dragged my over rated final year project back into my life. Now apart from being “modest”, I also am known to be a giving person. So I gave the responsibility of putting together a new robot to Bitterman and in return I gained the satisfaction of sharing! All these over achieving was noticed by some twit all the way in the Divided and Surprisingly backward States and decided to tap my talent.

As you can see, I have to get back to nursing my talent. Untill next time, shake the boom shake!!
All the characters in this story are REAL, they’ve names have been altered to save them some shame.