MISSION IS-THAT-BULL (CRAP)???

First thing’s first.
A) I’d like to thank Bakwaas & Pete for this super opportunity. I am truly honored.
B) I am not a movie critic. A Hindi movie critic is one who loves all SRK flicks & gives them a 5-star rating. I hate SRK.
C) I am just a huge Hollywood movie buff who thinks that he has seen enough quality flicks and thus can easily point out which part of a Hindi flick is “inspired” from which part of Hollywood flick. (Ya ya…Angrez ki aulaad)
D) The only quality bollywood flicks I watch are Mithunda flicks starring hot sleazy 18 year old chicks with raunchy music, Sunny’s action flicks Chi-Chi’s dance hits. Also, I was present at the world premiere of Radrakash- The modern Ramayan & Aap Ka Khajoor.

Here we go then.

The movie I am talking about is the recently released bollywood flick, “Mission Is-that-bull”. Lead hero Zero-head Kahn is India’s number one news reporter working for Kal-tak news channel. He is recently divorced from his wife ‘Dumbo’ (some hot Telgu actress who looks cute but then again I have lost my senses because I desperately crave for a chick in my life) & is on his way to work for famous aide-de-terrorist news channel, Al Jal-jeera. By the way, this guy is an IIT engineer (computers) who has ventured into journalism. Hmm, pretty innovative.

If you were to give a serious thought, what are you going to achieve after coming to U.S with your IIT degree? A masters program in top notch university with full tuition waiver followed by a $ 120,000/ year job in top MNC? Realistically, maybe an off-campus job at a gas-station & a $ 60,000/year job where you work for a desi consultant because his is the only E-verified company in U.S & your O.P.T period is gonna end soon. (Pete knows more while Bakwaas will soon find out). Keeping this scenario in mind, I must say, I like that. I mean, the director knows that U.S economy is in doldrums.

Scene 2. Camera zooms to Istanbul. Zero-head meets So-Nil ‘Yeda-anna’ Shitty. This guy is an ex-commando who turned to journalism because he hates killing people except for the fight scenes that is. I can tolerate that because So-nil bhai’s chutzpah (read chutyagiri) lasts only for one fight scene. It is as if the director is doing the soup Nazi, “So-nil bhai, you can’t act; you don’t want to kill; NO JOURNALISM FOR YOU”. (Seinfeld joke, google it)
Bye-bye So-nil, enter Be-wake Robroy. This guy is a total dude. Long flowing hair, dark sun-glasses, Batman style entry & exit and w(sh)itty punch-lines. OK… I can still watch it because I am not paying for the flick; it is free on the internet. Be-wake warns Zero-head that his life is in danger & when Zero-head tries to attack him, he grabs his hand & twists it which makes you puke because the move is not from Jason Bourne’s fight book but rather a cheap imitation of James Bond making a move on one of the Bond girls…but this time it is a Bond guy…Gay Bond…same thing…yuck!!!!

Istanbul’s opening scenes gave me a feeling that the movie might be based on 2001 action thriller, The Spy Game starring Robert Redford & Brad Pitt. It has Enya like music running in the background. But, it also has Jason Bourne’s theme & Dropkick Murphy’s ‘I am shipping up to Boston’ like theme running parallel to it. Definitely not a Spy Game copy. Thank you God for saving Robert Redford!!!

Al Jal-jeera’s editor-in-thief doesn’t like Zero-head mistakenly venturing on the 13th floor of their office building (very superstitious fellow) and thus orders his men to beat the shit out of Zero-head.

Enter Lara Croft Tomb Raider in body hugging leather suit. She kicks ass and kisses ass too (later being Be-wake). She works for the goons but is actually a R.A.W officer stationed in Istanbul who wants to offer Zero-head a job in India’s secret service agency. Waaah!!!! No wonder IITians keep on getting deadly job offers all the time.

Also, Al Jal-jeera guy uses the same transponders that N.S.A used in the movie ‘Enemy of the State’ to keep an eye on Zero-head ‘Will Smith’s’ daily chores. Be-wake ‘Gene Hackman’ Robroy finds Zero-head being chased by Turkish goons & beats the crap out of them. Why? Because they are from U.P-Bihar of Turkey & they hunt in 4s & they don’t know karate & shit & they look dumbfounded every time they are in front of camera…so, whooping their asses is easies…(my englishes!!!).

Next, our deadly duo plan to raid Al Jal-jeera’s 13th floor office, Matrix style. Their mission; which they have already chosen to accept; is, to copy all the data from Al Jal-jeera’s computers & plant a virus using a simple flash drive…Zero-head is Bollywood’s IIT computer engineer for Christ’s sake…he can do anything. Unkit Fadia, you suck at hacking because you wrote a book on it while Zero-head hacked the system in two freaking attempts. I’ll obviously opt for Zero-head’s notes when I study for my hacking exam! Phbbt!!!

After more Bourne Supremacy ‘man chase on roof tops’ & one Ronin style car chase in by-lanes of Istanbul comes the climax. Here, Zero-head is tied to the chair with his lady love ‘Dumbo’ (that’s her actual pet name in the flick) tied next to him & constipated faced villain is left to do a Philip Seymour Hoffman by threatening to kill lady love unless Zero-head hands the flash drive to him. Zero-head meanwhile tries to tell how much he loves ‘Dumbo’. Err…Mission Impossible 3 anyone???

The villains are so obsessed with the flash-drive & bitch talk that they have completely forgotten about Be-wake. Where are you Be-wake??? You swore you’d save the lovers 5 minutes before Zero-head turned himself in.

And Lo! There he is. Climbing on roof tops, planting time-bombs at strategic locations, wearing a bullet proof vest & W.T.F…carrying a Salaam Namaste style man-purse???? After-all, he is Turkey’s no.1 Metro-homo-sexual commando who killed Osama in Saddam’s bunker half way into the movie. Oopsie! I just leaked out the most vital bit of movie info!

In the end, Zero-head goes on to thrash his villain…after all, his lady love did say, “Go, get him Tiger”; which means…“Spiderman, Spiderman, does whatever a spider can…” Meanwhile, Be-wake & constipated villain slug it out after some bitch-talk & eventually restores peace in Turkey.

The movie ends with Zero-head discussing honey-moon plans with his lady-love & Be-wake comes in their bedroom to hug Zero-head & they live gayily ever after.

- Movie-monger (Friend of Buck & Pete)