KYA HOGA MEE-MOH KAA???

Ok! Hold your breath because the news that I am going to tell will make you jump out of your seats. Alright...get ready for this...buckle up.

Thanks to brother bilkul’s contacts down south & their contacts down south & their contacts’ contacts down south, we have just got THE copy of THE script of THE movie which is going to be MEE-MOH’s launch pad...his ticket to stardom. The movie that will shake this world; the movie that will put all debutant actors to shame; the movie that will gross more money than any other movie once it releases.

I need not tell you who MEE-MOH is. Only hint I can give is that he is the son of an acting LEGEND; the SUPERSTAR who has given us blockbuste(d)r movies such as Cheetah, Shera, Hitler, Tabahi-the destroyer, Military Raaj etc to name a few; the disco-dancer who delivered these famous dialogues “tere jaat kaa baida maaru” & “aye,Kya re ??” which when translated in English sound “your caste’s eggs I throw” & “hey, WHADDAP” respectively.

Enough of beating around the bush, its time I reveal the story. Well, not everything. So here goes:-

The movie goes by the name “FINDING MEE-MOH” & it is a story of a DAD & his son & their struggle against today’s cruel filmi-world. Now, dancing-dad is a one-time bollywood super dud...no...I mean super stud. On one bright & sunny day, he is on the way to drop his son MEE-MOH for an audition. Obviously, MEE-MOH wants to ape his dad & be an actor. (by now, you must be comparing this story line with a famous anime movie-Finding Nemo...but trust me, this ain’t...and no one knows this but FINDING MEE-MOH was scripted well in advance & so the director & producer are suing DISNEY-PIXAR for stealing their title).

MEE-MOH’s attempts to crack into showbiz turn futile as the bollywood industry is run by godfathers like DON YASHRAJONE, DONNA K-JO, DON BARJATIONE, & DON ROSHANIONE. As MEE-MOH is not related to any of these families nor is he favored by them, MEE-MOH becomes increasingly frustrated. Even Factory owners like RAMMED-U preferred working with untalented members of his Union. Baby AB got movies directed by DON YASHRAJONE’s sons & heroes from outer space did wonders for DON ROSHANIONE. Donna K-JO had King-DON in every K-movie of it while DON BARJATIONE shot only marriage videos. Newly crowned don DON FARFAN was into remaking don-centric stuff. This was working totally against MEE-MOH. There was no place where he could show off his talent as no godfather was on his side.

So, after yet another rejection, all hell breaks lose as MEE-MOH decides to take matter in his own hands. He decides to produce-direct-script-act-sing-dance all the movies in which his dad had acted by either re-making them or by making their prequels & sequels.

The DONS come to know about MEE-MOH’s plans & so the team up together & secretly declare a full-fledged attack on him. Within couple of hours after “muhurat” of his first film, MEE-MOH’s sister gets ganged-up (not gonna tell by how many goons) & dies soon after(dead tired & traumatized I guess). On hearing the news, MEE-MOH bursts into the DON kaa “adda” and slays the Factory workers. Enraged by this act, DON YASHRAJONE orders his younger son TOAD-FACE & baby AB to finish MEE-MOH once n for all. Baby AB does not like this as he secretly admires MEE-MOH but when DON YASHRAJONE fires baba AB from his syndicate, baby realizes that he has no choice.

TOAD-FACE & baby AB are no match for MEE-MOH as he butchers them & sends their dead bodies back to the DON camp. Shattered shocked by MEE-MOH’s action, DON ROSHANIONE sends his super powerful, masked son FRISSSSSH along with his aide-de-camp ALIEN BOY to kidnap MEE-MOH. Little does anyone know that ALIEN BOY who went back home & then came back again is not the ALIEN BOY that everyone thinks he is but is actually his good-natured evil twin brother BOY ALIEN who is now on MEE-MOH’s side.

DON camp comes to know something went horribly wrong in their last attempt to attack MEE-MOH as they receive FRISSSSH’s mask & cloak with a big ‘M’ printed on it!!! Finally, the entire DON camp, which is biting its nails, sends King-Don to end MEE-MOH story. Kind-Don succeeds in abducting MEE-MOH in presence of his dad!!! Why?? Coz “ King-Don ko pakkadna mmmmmmushkilll hi nahi.... balki naa mummmmmmkinn hai!!’.... “ummmmmhmmmmm hmmmmm” (yup..u got that one correct). & then comes INTERMISSION!!!!!!!!

So, what will MEE-MOH's dad do? How will he find his beloved son? Will the deadly duo finish the godfathers? Will bollywood’s casting couch & favoritism ever end? To find out more, watch the movie people!!

ITS COMING SOON... IN THEATRES & MULTIPLEXES NEAR YOU!!!!



Peteboy

ViVAAh- THE FLIPSIDE

Last Tuesday, when I came home from college, my dad asked me if I could accompany him to a wedding reception. It was not a family wedding so we wouldn’t be hanging around for a long time. Plus there was some veg preparation for dinner & I thought “well if I have to eat veg food, I might as well eat it outside, coz it’s tasty & there is variety to choose from.” Hence I decided to join him.

My approach to wedding receptions has changed as I have grown up. When I was a toddler, attending a wedding was more a forceful act as my parents knew that if they keep me home, I’d harass my grandparents. This was followed by the ‘kid’ stage where it was more of playing ‘hide-n-seek’ & ‘cat-n-mouse’ with my cousins. I just didn’t bother about eating food or meeting anyone as I was busy running all over the place once I got there along with my cousins.

Next came adolescence where parties became a medium for ‘bird watching’, if you know what I mean!!! And now, its more of bird watching and eating FREE FOOD too. These days I don’t mind attending weddings which are non-related ones as I get to ‘watch’, eat and kill time. And as I said, eating is an important aspect.

Anyway, its time to talk about this wedding which I attended. Well, as it turned out, it was a series of unfortunate events rather (previous ceremonies attended were good actually). To begin with, the couple turned in an hour late. Now this is not good because if you are attending a non-relative wedding, the things that you want to are: meet the necessary people from the side that has invited you, sit for 10-15 minutes and unnecessarily keep on smiling since no one knows you but they shouldn’t think that you have come uninvited, greet the blissfully wedded couple, eat, & leave. All the activities are to be performed in one hour, MAX.

My dad didn’t have problem killing that one painful hour; he was busy chatting with his business associates. Meanwhile, I kept on checking out the ‘birds’ and I couldn’t believe there wasn’t a single good one. I mean, weddings bring out the best from female-kind. Even a plain-jane looks pretty in a Saree but this wasn’t the case here. It was indeed a sorry state of affairs when it came to LADIES. I kept assuring myself that the food would be good now that the prime objective was a complete disaster.

Then there was this Charlie Chaplin who was hired to keep small kids busy. The dude only had two tricks up his sleeve; one where he waved his hands & produced a toffee from anywhere and the other where he could wave his hand, twist his fingers & make a one buck coin vanish in thin air. Poor Charlie was getting F*CKED (I am sorry, words like ‘harassed’ & ‘pestered’ aren’t big enough to describe the state Charlie was in) by the little devils. The rambunctious little devils were all over him, shouting, pulling his coat, taking his hat away when he sat down to gasp a bit of fresh air, hitting him with his stick & what not. The entire party hall was reverberating with two words, “Charlie, chocolate”.

I then proceeded to the food corner, man I was damn hungry. It was time to satiate myself. They say that lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice. Well, here it did! Not only were the dames a disappointment, so was the food! Paneer tikka masala was magenta colored (I have only seen orangish colored ones before), the rotis, naan & parathas were made from rubber, rass malai had more water than milk (want me to continue? I can. But u get the picture, right???), & hakka noodles had more cabbage than the cabbage-field. Geez, I was better off eating daal-chawal, achaar & pulses at home rather than being here. Unfortunately, this story doesn’t end here.

Just as I turned around after “filling” my plate with food, a fat lady came towards me, smiling & waving and I was looking everywhere, confused, & with an expression, “who, me???”. The moment she was right next to me, she starts, “arre beta Manish, paichana? Mein, Roshni aunty; tumhari mummy ki mausi ki naani ke bhai ki potay ki phoophi” and I am like....... Woah! Woah! Woah! Lady, no need to throw a light on this relationship. I am not related to anyone of you here. I just came to hog free food and that too coz someone invited me.

Luckily, her daughter came there and told ‘Roshni aunty’ that I was not the ‘Manish’ she thought I was and by the way... what a daughter!!! Finally, a good no wait...a really really good looking lady. Man! “Roshni aunty, I’d surely wanna be related to you now!!!” But my wretched luck was out at it again, screwing me as always when I saw a small MANGAL-SUTRA hanging around her neck. And if this wasn’t bad enough, her hubby dearest joined our mini get-together. Quite a stud, that hubby dearest... pot bellied, gold chains hanging around his neck, twelve rings on ten fingers (do the MATH) and oh yes... munching Mawaa while having food (multi-tasking). The daughter definitely deserved someone much better. I didn’t feel sorry for her, I felt ashamed of myself. If that dude can get such a lady, why am I still single??? Somebody, just shoot me!!!

On an ending note, the food was pathetic (oh I forgot, the fruits in fruit salad weren’t juicy & half of the ice-cream turned into milk), the ‘birds’ were a let down and Charlie was still getting screwed big time by the kids. Patient man that Charlie. Had anyone else been there, I am sure he would have stopped miming & started swearing profusely.

And just when I was getting in my car, I saw ‘Roshni aunty’ scorning at me, her body language clearly reading, “there goes the bastard who came here to hog free food!!!” & I gave her that killer look which read “what did I ever do to you, Auntyji; EVVVER!!!!” and then I called my mom, “hello! Mom? Have you kept any leftovers??? I am damn hungry!!”


Peteboy

DIVINE INVENTIONS !!!

Ok! I’ll shoot straight. My academic records are fucked up; my technical knowledge sucks; my homies have given up on me & at 21 years plus umpteen months I still don’t have a girlfriend. Forget girlfriend, I start palpitating when I see a good looking gal & just in case she happens to smile at me before speaking, (generally that never happens thanks to my “HRITIK ROSHAN” looks) I gibber & repel her. All in all, my life is a complete mess!

And then there is my brother Bilkulbakwas. His acads are as fucked up as mine (yeah…both of us vying for “whose the dumbest engineer of em all” crown); his passion is music & football but he landed up doing mechanical engineering; once a week he does have a “no-holds bar steel cage WWF match” with his Daddy-Yankee and despite being a CHICK-MAGNET, he hates MUMBAI gals just coz they are of “gharelu” types!!!

So, what does the world offer to low-lives like us whose careers have rock bottomed? I mean, lets be serious, no one is going to offer us any jobs & the first thing our parents are going to do after our graduation: - KICK us out of the house. Does that mean GAME over? (not just for 2 of us…I know most of you reading this are sailing in the same ship)

"HAVE NO FEAR,
TELESHOPPING NETWORK IS HERE!!!" … Huh??
“So, what’s new in that” you might ask. The answer is…DIVINE INVENTIONS.
Before you ask me, “what are those”, I’ll tell you… (hold your horses for God’s sake).
What I mean by DIVINE INVENTIONS is the “rudraksh kawach”, “lucky number pendent” & the “lakshmi padooka”.

To start with, let us look at the “RUDRAAKSH KAWACCH”. Now this item is specially marketed by some benignant company called TVC (Trust-Value-Commitment...yeah...my a$$) & our very own ‘pitamaha bhishma’ a.k.a the SHUCK-TEA-MAN! is their brand ambassador. The story behind rudraksh is not of prime importance and neither is the man endorsing the product. What really makes it HOL(E)Y is the miracles it pulls off.

So you have a first class engineer who is jobless & an MBA aspirant who cannot concentrate in his studies. Now these guys do not believe in this ‘rudraksh’ & all (sick) but it is always their respective sisters who believes in the asinine power(thru’ some other divine intervention) & tells them to “dharan” the ‘kawacch’ with “shraddha & bhavana”. (damn…shradhha & bhavana were two hotties from my junior college…I wonder what they are doing now-a-days???..i…err...back to the topic) & Lo! Before you know it…the engineer stud gets a decent job in MNC & the MBA dude clears BAT, RAT & CAT in one go only to land in all 4 IIMs. No effort, no studies, no hard-work… thanks to ‘rudraksh kawacch’ ki positive energy kaa kamal!!! Move over IMS & T.I.M.E...yeah...BYE BYE coaching classes. Sayonara...Suckers!!!

The second invention is the ‘lucky pendent’ which comes with your ‘lucky number’ on it (there is some complex mathematical calculation to know your lucky no.). The guy who was that hapless engineer in the ‘rudraksh’ ad is now a miserable husband with his equally miserable wife in this ad. Their love marriage suffers a setback (not because of adultery) because of ‘boori nazar waali society’ (then why stay there? move somewhere else, fools) & they almost get divorced without even thinking about their (non-existent) children. But then comes AUNTY no.1 to rescue who advises them) to wear ‘lucky number wala pendent’ & poof! They are back…in love…again!!! (divorce lawyers…pack your backs…sabhi divorcee-yon ki dawaa…lucky pendent!!! Me thinks divorce lawyers should wear that ‘kawacch’ thing to save their rozee-roti!!! )

Teleshopping’s final invention is the ‘lakshmi paduuka’. Now, this silver “lakshmi paduuka” comes with a special crystal “SHREE-YANTRA”. Businessmen who only deal in millions & billions (well...they don’t beat the saas-bahu serial wala tycoon...but...) are perennially under heavy debts in this advert. What more, they go on to describe it as

“pechlay ek saal se mera business ghatey mein jara raha tha, blah blah blah... ek dost ne muhje iss chamatkari cheez ke bare mein bataya...maine poorna wishwaas se uuski sthapana aapne office mein ki...aur jaise chamatkaar hi ho gaya...abb maine aapna karzaa chuuka diya aur bank mujhe naya business start karni ke liye LOAN bhi de rahi hai!!!”

which when translated sounds something like this:-

“for past one year, my business was suffering heavy loss,blah blah blah...a friend of mine told me about this magical item (the padooka off course)...i installed it in my office with total devotion & the magic worked!!! Now I have not only cleared my debts but the bank is ready to sanction a LOAN for my new business”.

Woah! Woah! Woah! Man... Monterey loss suffered over a year recovered within few days!!! Yes! Few days....Robbed a bank or what (any one up for heists!!!)??? And you know what? The reason for his company’s “ghaataa” is not the owner's mismanagement but a traitor who used to work for him (how filmi can it get???)!!! “Lekin, shree yantra ki kripa se sabb acchhha ho gaya”.

So, the message from TVC is loud & clear. After graduation, buy a “rudraaksh kawacch” & a call from some M.N.C is assured, no need for campus placement or monster.com/jobsahead.com, all you need is a caring sister who ‘believes’ in this stuff. Then, go marry some hottie (not the “gharelu” types, eh bilkul!!!) & ensure you are happily in LUUUUUUV by wearing the “lucky number pendent” and start your own business with “lakshmi paduuka” installed in your office so that you are never an in debt. In other words, you are always financially blessed.

I guess its time for me to shut-up & call 1800-get-me-a-rudraksh-kawacch hotline number. Who wants to prepare for the exams??? FIRST-CLASS, here i COME !!!!


Peteboy