DIVINE INVENTIONS !!!

Ok! I’ll shoot straight. My academic records are fucked up; my technical knowledge sucks; my homies have given up on me & at 21 years plus umpteen months I still don’t have a girlfriend. Forget girlfriend, I start palpitating when I see a good looking gal & just in case she happens to smile at me before speaking, (generally that never happens thanks to my “HRITIK ROSHAN” looks) I gibber & repel her. All in all, my life is a complete mess!

And then there is my brother Bilkulbakwas. His acads are as fucked up as mine (yeah…both of us vying for “whose the dumbest engineer of em all” crown); his passion is music & football but he landed up doing mechanical engineering; once a week he does have a “no-holds bar steel cage WWF match” with his Daddy-Yankee and despite being a CHICK-MAGNET, he hates MUMBAI gals just coz they are of “gharelu” types!!!

So, what does the world offer to low-lives like us whose careers have rock bottomed? I mean, lets be serious, no one is going to offer us any jobs & the first thing our parents are going to do after our graduation: - KICK us out of the house. Does that mean GAME over? (not just for 2 of us…I know most of you reading this are sailing in the same ship)

"HAVE NO FEAR,
TELESHOPPING NETWORK IS HERE!!!" … Huh??
“So, what’s new in that” you might ask. The answer is…DIVINE INVENTIONS.
Before you ask me, “what are those”, I’ll tell you… (hold your horses for God’s sake).
What I mean by DIVINE INVENTIONS is the “rudraksh kawach”, “lucky number pendent” & the “lakshmi padooka”.

To start with, let us look at the “RUDRAAKSH KAWACCH”. Now this item is specially marketed by some benignant company called TVC (Trust-Value-Commitment...yeah...my a$$) & our very own ‘pitamaha bhishma’ a.k.a the SHUCK-TEA-MAN! is their brand ambassador. The story behind rudraksh is not of prime importance and neither is the man endorsing the product. What really makes it HOL(E)Y is the miracles it pulls off.

So you have a first class engineer who is jobless & an MBA aspirant who cannot concentrate in his studies. Now these guys do not believe in this ‘rudraksh’ & all (sick) but it is always their respective sisters who believes in the asinine power(thru’ some other divine intervention) & tells them to “dharan” the ‘kawacch’ with “shraddha & bhavana”. (damn…shradhha & bhavana were two hotties from my junior college…I wonder what they are doing now-a-days???..i…err...back to the topic) & Lo! Before you know it…the engineer stud gets a decent job in MNC & the MBA dude clears BAT, RAT & CAT in one go only to land in all 4 IIMs. No effort, no studies, no hard-work… thanks to ‘rudraksh kawacch’ ki positive energy kaa kamal!!! Move over IMS & T.I.M.E...yeah...BYE BYE coaching classes. Sayonara...Suckers!!!

The second invention is the ‘lucky pendent’ which comes with your ‘lucky number’ on it (there is some complex mathematical calculation to know your lucky no.). The guy who was that hapless engineer in the ‘rudraksh’ ad is now a miserable husband with his equally miserable wife in this ad. Their love marriage suffers a setback (not because of adultery) because of ‘boori nazar waali society’ (then why stay there? move somewhere else, fools) & they almost get divorced without even thinking about their (non-existent) children. But then comes AUNTY no.1 to rescue who advises them) to wear ‘lucky number wala pendent’ & poof! They are back…in love…again!!! (divorce lawyers…pack your backs…sabhi divorcee-yon ki dawaa…lucky pendent!!! Me thinks divorce lawyers should wear that ‘kawacch’ thing to save their rozee-roti!!! )

Teleshopping’s final invention is the ‘lakshmi paduuka’. Now, this silver “lakshmi paduuka” comes with a special crystal “SHREE-YANTRA”. Businessmen who only deal in millions & billions (well...they don’t beat the saas-bahu serial wala tycoon...but...) are perennially under heavy debts in this advert. What more, they go on to describe it as

“pechlay ek saal se mera business ghatey mein jara raha tha, blah blah blah... ek dost ne muhje iss chamatkari cheez ke bare mein bataya...maine poorna wishwaas se uuski sthapana aapne office mein ki...aur jaise chamatkaar hi ho gaya...abb maine aapna karzaa chuuka diya aur bank mujhe naya business start karni ke liye LOAN bhi de rahi hai!!!”

which when translated sounds something like this:-

“for past one year, my business was suffering heavy loss,blah blah blah...a friend of mine told me about this magical item (the padooka off course)...i installed it in my office with total devotion & the magic worked!!! Now I have not only cleared my debts but the bank is ready to sanction a LOAN for my new business”.

Woah! Woah! Woah! Man... Monterey loss suffered over a year recovered within few days!!! Yes! Few days....Robbed a bank or what (any one up for heists!!!)??? And you know what? The reason for his company’s “ghaataa” is not the owner's mismanagement but a traitor who used to work for him (how filmi can it get???)!!! “Lekin, shree yantra ki kripa se sabb acchhha ho gaya”.

So, the message from TVC is loud & clear. After graduation, buy a “rudraaksh kawacch” & a call from some M.N.C is assured, no need for campus placement or monster.com/jobsahead.com, all you need is a caring sister who ‘believes’ in this stuff. Then, go marry some hottie (not the “gharelu” types, eh bilkul!!!) & ensure you are happily in LUUUUUUV by wearing the “lucky number pendent” and start your own business with “lakshmi paduuka” installed in your office so that you are never an in debt. In other words, you are always financially blessed.

I guess its time for me to shut-up & call 1800-get-me-a-rudraksh-kawacch hotline number. Who wants to prepare for the exams??? FIRST-CLASS, here i COME !!!!


Peteboy