NEW YORK – NEW YORK

After my pathetic FALL QUARTER ended in November, I had to prepare myself for a 45 day long winter break. What was miserable about the break was that most of the seniors I knew were heading back to homeland. As for me; well, I knew spending 45 days with my room-mates in our 2x2 sq.ft apartment wouldn’t be an ideal way to spend such a long vacation. Watching movies, cooking food and listening to old Hindi songs thirty days in a row bored me to death. I was even tired of watching p*rn! (Shocking, but true!!!) So, I decided to make full use of my parents’ hard earned money by booking an airline ticket from Columbus to New York and spending Christmas & New Year at my uncle’s place.

I had to travel to Columbus via breyhound bus service since I was getting a cheaper airline ticket deal. Airline travel…cheap…not making sense eh…don’t bother…just keep on reading. I arrived at the breyhound terminal on time; the bus though…was not on time.

Eventually, when breyhound bus started, the bus driver picked the in-car speaker-phone and made an announcement, “Hi! This is your Captain speaking!!! Right now, we are on our way to Columbus via Springfield. The temperature outside is currently 60 degrees. We will reach Columbus in 1 hour 40 minutes, so please sit back and enjoy the ride. I request you to please switch of the cell-phones for convenience of other passengers.” (For those who think I made up this bit, go ask anyone who has travelled by a breyhound bus)

Dude!! W.t.f man… “This is your captain speaking???” Just because the breyhound company gave you a freaking cap, it doesn’t make you a pilot. You are driving a freaking bus for God’s sake. And let’s say you are a pilot, then where is the sexy airhostess? All I see is financially unstable Americans and miserly Indians travelling in the bus. And why should we keep the cell-phones switched off? Is it because it will interfere with the vehicle’s electronic stability control and air-conditioning by which the “pilot” will have to control the bus on road & pull the vehicle on side-way??? Jeez.

Anyways, 4 p.m, 24^th December, I am at my uncle’s apartment in Queens. Now, if you think that I am going to write about what all places I saw in New York, then let me tell you one thing loud and clear: - this is not a blog version of Lonely Planet: New York.

I was to stay at my uncle’s place for a couple of days before meeting my friends from school and going on a road trip with them. So, we made the best of the two days by visiting places like Times Square, Broadway and catching the Staten Island ferry to have a good look at the Statue of Liberty. While my uncle was busy explaining the historical significance of the statue to me, I was busy studying the topological features of the German, Spanish, Italian & French female visitors on the ferry. I came to New York to sight-see, so, I was enjoying the sights to the fullest.

After experiencing the Christmas radiance in New York, my friends & I rented a car and drove to Atlantic City on the 26^th. One of my friends was accompanied by his girl-friend. Upon reaching Atlantic City, we visited one of many casinos. Out of the blue, my friend’s girlfriend developed a sudden urge to play on the slot machine and she was pretty adamant about it. Well, having a girlfriend can be expensive. Your wallet is always empty since you need to keep her happy all the time. Apparel, footwear, cosmetics and other accessories are few things you must buy for her irrespective of her dad being rich or you being poor. But gambling? This is one relationship I won’t be betting on!

Bad days aren’t a novelty for me. I mean, I used to get 10 on 10 for my essays on the topic, “the day everything went wrong”. Stuff like that would just come naturally to me. I’d write about my real life experiences unlike others who would have to cook up something just to make it sound more tragic. But, 27^th December 2007, was, by far, the worst day of my life. Ever since we had planned the trip, I was the one jumping with enthusiasm knowing we would be boozing all night at my friend’s apartment that day. “Oh boy! I am gonna drink; Oh boy! We are gonna swill; oh boy! We are gonna tipple! Oh boy, my first booze session since coming to USA!!!! Oh boy!!!” I created the hoopla. We even bought a Johnny Walker red label single malt scotch whiskey to celebrate our re-union after a huge gap of 6 months!

When the time came for the first shot, I flattered to deceive. The stuff was so smooth that there was no burning sensation in the throat. Though, I found the smell obnoxious. I don’t know whether the minced chicken preparation which I had along with chopped onions a few hours ago was making me sick. But whatever it was, I was just not able to drink. The whole night, I just sat with a shitty expression on my face while my friends were boozing like crazy & calling me a chicken for not drinking. I don’t blame them at-all. During our drinking sessions back in India, I was the one who could gulp down almost 300 mL of cheap liquor like Royal Stag whiskey and McDowell’s No.1 etc. etc. and here I was, not being able to finish off one peg of red label scotch; a diluted peg rather. It was as if my manhood was being mocked at and unfortunately, I did not have an answer.

(Mom, dad… in case you read this, do not panic…I only cooked this stuff just to make it sound funny… I don’t drink….NOT! I am still a good boy who left India 6 months ago)

While the whole of New York was anxiously waiting for the BALL-DROP at Times Square on New Year’s Eve, I was enjoying the New Year event at Central Park. Ok; you may think that I am a fool for not being at Times square to witness the event but I was not at all eager to stand in chilly open air from 5 pm to 2 am without food, water and occasional visits to the loo. I was better off at Central Park watching gyrating asses (not donkeys) while listening to some really good dance hits. When the count-down began, the fireworks started and continued for next 15 minutes.

Yes, I have celebrated all my previous New Years strictly with kith and kin…err kin only to be precise. Yes, I did not miss watching Usha Uthup’s boring televised singing programs or Star Movies’ primetime broadcast of latest James Bond flicks on 31^st eve. And yes, I hadn’t witnessed such pyrotechnics before. So, was this the best thing that could ever happen to me? Hell no.

For the first time in my life, I longed for someone special. I wanted to hold her hands. I wanted to gaze at her, look into her eyes endlessly. Bloody hell, I even wanted to kiss her when the silly count-down ended. At 23, I was alone in the city that never sleeps watching stupid fireworks. And then………..

RC: Knock Knock!!!

Pete: Who is it???

RC: Reality Check!!!

Pete: Reality Check, who???

RC: Reality Check- you are still lonely & miserable.

Pete: Amazing fireworks!!!!! Mind-blowing!!!! Wooooohooo!!! New York rocks!!!!! This is my best New Year eve ever!

I had to catch a Columbus bound flight on 1^st afternoon. After the routine security check, I waited at the assigned gate for an hour. I used that time to summarize my New York trip. Technically, I was in New York City for three whole days. Three days are not enough to visit such a big city. Yes, I used the subway and found the experience amazing. No, I did not walk & dance & sing on the Shah Rukh Khan Bridge (also known as Brooklyn Bridge to the rest of the world). Yes, I saw the Ground-Zero and felt, “So! Another huge rubble site in a concrete jungle...how different is it from any other???” No, I did not eat the road-side halal food and neither did I take a picture of me with the Bull. And no, I did not visit the stupid wax museum either. And now, you want me to compare New York with Mumbai.

So, here goes:- “New York Rocks!!!” It is an amazing city indeed. The skyline is magnificent. The subways are almost 100 years old, well planned and the best and fastest mode of transport. Multicultural population makes residing in New York equally easier. There is the Chinatown for cheap goods and the Indiantown for cheap Indians. (America calls Indiantown as New Jersey). Patels, Shahs, Desais, Singhs are all there. You feel like home. To be honest, I never wanted to leave the city.

After spending my entire life in Mumbai, I always thought that I’d never want to be somewhere else. New York attracted me but there is something about Mumbai that can never be matched. The crazy rush for bus at any time of the day; the overcrowded trains whose time-table you can never forget; watching cricket match from North stand, abusing the visiting teams & then getting mentioned in the newspaper; the Queen’s necklace at night; ever increasing price of fuel; the traffic policeman a.k.a “Pandu” and the road side chat food in the evening. New York may have its Times Square & New Year’s ball drop to boast about but if you really want to experience a city’s real flavor, visit Mumbai.

Three things define Mumbai: Cordial functioning irrespective of induced communal tension, Ganesh Chaturthi exuberance & festooning and the immortal vada-pav. Politicians may want it to be the next Shanghai but as long as these three things stay, the spirit of Mumbai will always remain forever.

- Peteboy

MASTER & THE CONUNDRUM – III

Like a trained parrot, I had blabbered everything nice about my university to the visa officer in order to get the visa. These days, the visa procedure has become more of a lucky draw. One of the main reasons for me coming to this university (as told to visa officer) was the ease of getting an assistantship. When I landed in America, the situation was rather chaotic.

To begin with, the assistantship scenario was looking bleak since the professors with field of interest of my liking already had atleast one desi student under them. On the other hand, the fields in which I was not interested had all sorts of openings available! Facing a Catch 22 situation, I started writing e-mails to all the professors asking them for ‘FUNDING’… (that’s right…desi public have their own lingo…funding is a word they use for assistantship) but almost everyone quickly replied, “THANKS BUT NO THANKS”. Little did I know that all the professors here were now trying to avoid hiring desi students because of their casual, paralyzed & cramming style of thesis work & study. GOOD JOB, SENIORS!!!! (Grrrr)

Whilst continuing on my ‘Will do anything for Funds’ mission, I came to know of a certain professor who was on a lookout for a part-timer to do designing work for his clients. He wanted someone who was hard-working, willing to learn new stuff; someone who was good at imagination; someone having profound knowledge of CAD software & someone who was always punctual with his work. He was unable to find anyone with so many attributes. I told him straightaway that I fitted the bill & I should be able to give this challenge a shot. Multitasking is definitely not my forte but when in Rome, do as Romans do!

This professor was going to teach a course which all the desis are afraid to take up since there are no reference books readily available. None of the desis had taken his course in past five years. Even after being severely warned by seniors, I registered for the very course & decided to take up the part-time work as I wanted to improve my chances of getting funded. Obviously, he was not going to pay me for the work I did as he wanted to observe me for one “Quarter” & then decide whether I was good at fulfilling any one of the stipulations he had put forward.

(The university where I am studying has a ‘QUARTER-SYSTEM’ of education as compared to ‘SEMESTER-SYSTEM’ in most of the universities)

The first few weeks passed without any problem. Both the subjects were esoteric but I always had this gut feeling that I would cope with the studies once I started studying “sincerely”. Besides, I had enough experience of handling pressure & burden of completing the assignments on time thanks to the teachings & sufferings I received in my undergrad alma-mater.

Daily routine included waking up early, grabbing light breakfast, packing my lunch-box & running to university lab so that I could chat with my parents as we had already fixed a time which was suitable for both of us keeping the time-difference in mind. Parallel online chatting with most of the school & college friends meant recollecting those selected twenty-thirty incidents & jokes & laughing endlessly at them. The only time chatting sessions turned sour were when they would shamelessly ask, “oye, whats the score?”

Now, there are some things which a good friend knows very well about you. ‘Struggling to get a girl-friend till date' is a one such thing. Questions regarding such things can only depress you in a way because at the end of the day, it is your best friend who has made you look like a loser. It hurts your ego.

If you are attracted to some girl or maybe infatuated by her presence, the gutsy thing to do is ask her out. Unfortunately, your conscience tell you that approaching her will only lead to rejection as you have nothing that will impress her. It is a knee-jerk reaction. Under such circumstances, you listen to it. Then, you tell the whole world that you never approached a girl because you never found anyone perfectly befitting for you. As a result, your self-esteem remains untainted and you don’t face rejection. Anyways, it was never a serious issue because all my friends haven’t found their “right girl” yet. So, to think about it, we are still sailing in the same boat.

Five weeks down the line, I was still struggling to follow a single word of both the subjects. Fourth week was the last week to drop the course which meant I had to continue what I had signed for. As for CAD work; well, we were never taught CAD software during my undergraduate studies & since football, tennis, formula1, cricket, movies & free quality p*rn were the only ‘happening things’ in my college life, there was no time to self motivate myself & learn CAD software on my own.

Things did not end there. The second course which I had taken was called “Mechanical Oscillations” & during my undergrads, I don’t know how many attempts I gave to clear this very subject. I, not being able to understand a single equation or word of the first subject, (one which I mentioned two paragraphs above this one) somehow started making sense as this subject was called “Advanced Non-periodic Oscillations”. When the eighth week of the ten-week quarter arrived, I was in a state of rut:- attending the lectures, cooking food, eating food, chatting with my parents wherein I assured them everything is O.K, sleeping, eating & ooh yes…free p*rn…free, LEGAL, excellent quality P*RN! My “Oscillations” exam was after two weeks & had a project submission of “nonlinear she-near me-fear oscillations” the week before. I was lost in a labyrinth & all the exit-doors were closed for me.

I don’t know how the final week of the Quarter flew by. I had managed to complete the project in time. At the time of presentation, the professor pointed out that my assumptions for the project problem were wrong which meant my entire project was wrong. Fortunately, my four native classmates got their individual projects wrong as-well. The final exam didn’t turn out that well either. Moreover, I missed my cheat-buddies sorely (so what if I am unable to cheat…read “ITS 7th SEM-MISTER?”). When the grades came out a week later, history repeated itself.

Four months have gone by & my attempts to get ‘funded’ have turned futile. I got bored of the free part-time work & the professor got bored of me not being able to produce any results. Grades aren’t worth mentioning either. No assistantship means I have to use up the entire educational loan. Using whole amount means looking for a job in America as soon as I pass out so that I can repay the loan within stipulated time. Job search is only possible if I manage to pass out in Summer or Fall Quarter to get maximum time for O.P.T. If at-all I get a job, I have to impress my employer so that he will file for my H1 visa status.

Since Quarter system has certain courses being offered only during certain Quarters, I am stuck here till the next Winter. Keeping that in mind, I’ll have to stretch my graduation by five additional months. That means additional expenses. Not to mention the fact that the place I am studying is located in a remote village.

No job means I might have to opt for a PhD. program which sucks in a way because I am not a big fan of studies. So, I am pretty sure I won’t be able to that. Plus, I’ll be stuck here for not two but five full years.

Whoever said, “if you can become an engineer in India, masters’ degree from anywhere else will be a bed of roses”, fooled me big time. There are so many things to worry about while completing the coursework that I have even given up looking for loop-holes in the system. Swimming with the tide is the only logical option; so what if it takes you to Bermuda Triangle!!!

Even after doing so, the perennial question still remains unanswered: “what about that girl I am so crazy about?” I know I can’t get her. She seems to be happy with her guy (though latest intelligence reports suggest that he is not her “boy-friend” & they are just “going-out”) and I pretend to be self occupied with no time for love. Eventually, I’ll be relying on my parents to find me ‘the One’ whether my ego likes it or not. Believe me, even they won’t find it easy to dupe someone to marry me because:

a) Nobody wants to marry an obese, bald guy graduating from a lesser known university & earning peanuts in an organization where there is no job security or
b) A guy who is struggling with his PhD program.

Today’s women want adventurous guys who, while raking moolah, are able to fulfill the promise of providing a Queen-size life to them. They are so not into aged geeks who are unable to find a secured job in the first place and take ages to start earning big bucks.

Well, just to console myself, I can say that I survived four years in the ANGLE slammer. So, few more years of butt-kicking won’t make a difference either. All I pray for is a good life which is difficult to get and a good wife which is even more difficult to get.


- Peteboy