DIVINE INVENTIONS !!!

Ok! I’ll shoot straight. My academic records are fucked up; my technical knowledge sucks; my homies have given up on me & at 21 years plus umpteen months I still don’t have a girlfriend. Forget girlfriend, I start palpitating when I see a good looking gal & just in case she happens to smile at me before speaking, (generally that never happens thanks to my “HRITIK ROSHAN” looks) I gibber & repel her. All in all, my life is a complete mess!

And then there is my brother Bilkulbakwas. His acads are as fucked up as mine (yeah…both of us vying for “whose the dumbest engineer of em all” crown); his passion is music & football but he landed up doing mechanical engineering; once a week he does have a “no-holds bar steel cage WWF match” with his Daddy-Yankee and despite being a CHICK-MAGNET, he hates MUMBAI gals just coz they are of “gharelu” types!!!

So, what does the world offer to low-lives like us whose careers have rock bottomed? I mean, lets be serious, no one is going to offer us any jobs & the first thing our parents are going to do after our graduation: - KICK us out of the house. Does that mean GAME over? (not just for 2 of us…I know most of you reading this are sailing in the same ship)

"HAVE NO FEAR,
TELESHOPPING NETWORK IS HERE!!!" … Huh??
“So, what’s new in that” you might ask. The answer is…DIVINE INVENTIONS.
Before you ask me, “what are those”, I’ll tell you… (hold your horses for God’s sake).
What I mean by DIVINE INVENTIONS is the “rudraksh kawach”, “lucky number pendent” & the “lakshmi padooka”.

To start with, let us look at the “RUDRAAKSH KAWACCH”. Now this item is specially marketed by some benignant company called TVC (Trust-Value-Commitment...yeah...my a$$) & our very own ‘pitamaha bhishma’ a.k.a the SHUCK-TEA-MAN! is their brand ambassador. The story behind rudraksh is not of prime importance and neither is the man endorsing the product. What really makes it HOL(E)Y is the miracles it pulls off.

So you have a first class engineer who is jobless & an MBA aspirant who cannot concentrate in his studies. Now these guys do not believe in this ‘rudraksh’ & all (sick) but it is always their respective sisters who believes in the asinine power(thru’ some other divine intervention) & tells them to “dharan” the ‘kawacch’ with “shraddha & bhavana”. (damn…shradhha & bhavana were two hotties from my junior college…I wonder what they are doing now-a-days???..i…err...back to the topic) & Lo! Before you know it…the engineer stud gets a decent job in MNC & the MBA dude clears BAT, RAT & CAT in one go only to land in all 4 IIMs. No effort, no studies, no hard-work… thanks to ‘rudraksh kawacch’ ki positive energy kaa kamal!!! Move over IMS & T.I.M.E...yeah...BYE BYE coaching classes. Sayonara...Suckers!!!

The second invention is the ‘lucky pendent’ which comes with your ‘lucky number’ on it (there is some complex mathematical calculation to know your lucky no.). The guy who was that hapless engineer in the ‘rudraksh’ ad is now a miserable husband with his equally miserable wife in this ad. Their love marriage suffers a setback (not because of adultery) because of ‘boori nazar waali society’ (then why stay there? move somewhere else, fools) & they almost get divorced without even thinking about their (non-existent) children. But then comes AUNTY no.1 to rescue who advises them) to wear ‘lucky number wala pendent’ & poof! They are back…in love…again!!! (divorce lawyers…pack your backs…sabhi divorcee-yon ki dawaa…lucky pendent!!! Me thinks divorce lawyers should wear that ‘kawacch’ thing to save their rozee-roti!!! )

Teleshopping’s final invention is the ‘lakshmi paduuka’. Now, this silver “lakshmi paduuka” comes with a special crystal “SHREE-YANTRA”. Businessmen who only deal in millions & billions (well...they don’t beat the saas-bahu serial wala tycoon...but...) are perennially under heavy debts in this advert. What more, they go on to describe it as

“pechlay ek saal se mera business ghatey mein jara raha tha, blah blah blah... ek dost ne muhje iss chamatkari cheez ke bare mein bataya...maine poorna wishwaas se uuski sthapana aapne office mein ki...aur jaise chamatkaar hi ho gaya...abb maine aapna karzaa chuuka diya aur bank mujhe naya business start karni ke liye LOAN bhi de rahi hai!!!”

which when translated sounds something like this:-

“for past one year, my business was suffering heavy loss,blah blah blah...a friend of mine told me about this magical item (the padooka off course)...i installed it in my office with total devotion & the magic worked!!! Now I have not only cleared my debts but the bank is ready to sanction a LOAN for my new business”.

Woah! Woah! Woah! Man... Monterey loss suffered over a year recovered within few days!!! Yes! Few days....Robbed a bank or what (any one up for heists!!!)??? And you know what? The reason for his company’s “ghaataa” is not the owner's mismanagement but a traitor who used to work for him (how filmi can it get???)!!! “Lekin, shree yantra ki kripa se sabb acchhha ho gaya”.

So, the message from TVC is loud & clear. After graduation, buy a “rudraaksh kawacch” & a call from some M.N.C is assured, no need for campus placement or monster.com/jobsahead.com, all you need is a caring sister who ‘believes’ in this stuff. Then, go marry some hottie (not the “gharelu” types, eh bilkul!!!) & ensure you are happily in LUUUUUUV by wearing the “lucky number pendent” and start your own business with “lakshmi paduuka” installed in your office so that you are never an in debt. In other words, you are always financially blessed.

I guess its time for me to shut-up & call 1800-get-me-a-rudraksh-kawacch hotline number. Who wants to prepare for the exams??? FIRST-CLASS, here i COME !!!!


Peteboy

Donna Karen Not Yet

To haann...this is what i noticed!!!!

See I’m not Sherlock Holmes or anything, but ever notice the way most engineers dress??? You know the shirt-jeans-sneakers...I mean you could sense a techie about couple hundred feet away...
The thing is, agreed that sort of dressing would curdle an innate magazine like Cosmo, but the sjs is far better than what I have to live with. I mean floral blouses, skin tight pants...aiyge this isn't what Avantika (the thespian of an old Marathi serial) wears but what guys around me wear!!!! ...guys, for Pete’s sake..... For your own sake...guy and flowers----> Darren Hayes and Elton john!!!

Okay I don’t know where to begin but I think I’ll start with the Everyday Formal-errs...self explanatory stuff huh!! I mean it man.....every fuckin day...I would skip a Russel Peters show to see Prof. Djindal Saboo, he's the heir apparent to the steel magnate (minus the N of course!!), at least that's what Beti-Chou insists on claiming, in ganjees and three-quarters.

As a rule the smaller they are the formaler they get....I mean smaller the ranks freaking perve....dick-sheet is an off 'n on member to their posse!! But man does dick-sheet love keeping an idiot busy!!!! Now dick-sheet has this bud charag, now charag (I refuse to believe anything else!!) in scorn of admission into frcrit has vowed never to change within a fortnight! To support his fortitude he manages to go the extra mile and use his garb as a pillow!

Now every college has its style bhais, our class da style bhai is so-deep, hats off to him man...he'll come as late as me (bakwas) on his 150cc pulsar (which he's never crashed....ever.....never ever.....I swear it....never!!) and with the jacket, and the wet look hair...boy he's got the look.... the carefully selected shirt whose pinstripes match a shade on his worked upon jeans....its nice to see somebody that enthu about college..

Man...This is gonna be fun!!!...about one of my buds foetur....if Micheal Jackson white'd himself by contracting vitiligo, foetur went the other extreme and black'd himself, not the 9 rings, and fubu jersey black, I mean "marijuana kills", "megadeth", "painkiller" black....he's like those queer maroo's who have to have black fabric, always touching their skin...But foetur's is the kind of maroo who worships Mary (with or without the Jane!!) and serves liquor during weddings (ceremony not reception).
Yeah about foetur, I think it was like the 2nd or 3rd sem, and a-la-foetur comes to the class door, I was all set to call 100-----and scream “freaks off the leash!!!!!!” (pardon me, I didn't know him too well)...as I come over the shock I see this 6 foot, exxxtra healthy kid at the door...now get a load of this....slippers- three quarters with terrible frays at the end, it still looks like a pom-pom cum tennicoit accessory attached to the ends of his three quarters, a ganjee, fortunately hidden under an open buttoned shirt- and ultimately- dark glasses.....I remember the lecturer going...kya hua re??? ....."Sore eyes sir!!!!”...The getup to celebrate his condition is the kinda stuff you get used to but the eyes in class that day were eyes that I’d have to, have to, have to remember.

You know there is sooo much of choice...gleeee!!!

>Umm vij'al (that what I grasp when he raps out his name), owing to his style quotient falls under the Club-Wear In Day Time category, his tribe generally hails from Mulund, Ghatkopar etc, somebody ought to tell them tight fit pants are sooo out the watchmen in college would know it....his pants are sooo tight you just wouldn’t miss the contours formed by the hair on his ass which unfortunately may/may not be garbed...guy going commando....NOT A TURN ON!!!!! Embroidery on shirts I will never accept but flowers on skin tight-pleat less-black- almost chiffon- pants ....WHOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Talking about tight clothes nobody makes you realize: body fits are for body builders not for the big-fat build bodies, better than buzzer fofkar, see since anorexia’s out and fitness is in, buzzer feels “what the ‘chodh’, body nahi he to kya hua, personality to he, (ever notice how people confuse personality with physique…..this aint no tongue of slip!!!) and he adorns himself with his baby sisters t-shirts.
Well if there was dense fog, buzzer was wearing a helmet and a visually-impaired guy bumped into his tits...he'd think…this FAT guy is probably wearing his sisters t-shirt!!! But what beats those hazardous curves in front is the catastrophic gorges that lie behind…any body behind him dreads buzzer bhai fofkar having any sort of inclination, especially a forward one…coz, I shit you not when I say this, he’d rub Grand Canyon off all the maps in world…and replace it with The Great Indian Divide!!!!
If I had 500 bucks for every crack cleavage I saw in college I’d probably have like 5000 bucks and mind you those are only the hairy ones.

Another item bomb, is raag- me sir ko boldoongi. As legend has it her folks pay college fees and all, but she sits at home and probably cries over -kkasshiiisssshhhh, kkkkkkaaalllllaaaasssshhhhh but definitely not DOM I & DOM II. To know a little of what the innards of a college would be like she braved a visit. The sad thing is she came to college on the first day with a BRIEFCASE....I was rubbing my self thinking...wow....secretary porn- secretary porn-secretary porn!!!!! A startled turbanoid asked "yeh kya he??"....."Me doosro se baat nahi karti"....she coyly replied. yeah sorry for digressing but she wears stuff that'll render fabindia fab-less, she wears kurti's with chikan on the frontside- and- backside, I can so imagine him...oh god sorry....I can imagine HER shopping with her saheli's going "nahi bhaiya, dena ka daam boldo, nahi to me chali jaoongi".....while the kid with the hip mom shouts...."mummy dekho chakka...mummy dekho nah...waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh.....moods condoms anyone!!!"....so in her high waist jeans she elegantly sits criss-cross legged with her life partner...queen pallo...move over queen latifa...we're going desi with queen pallo.....sniff sniff sniff....isn't that a greatest contrast of em all!!!

Monday mornings, pehle lecture ke baad its scores updates time….and it’s the three of us regulars who feature on this show…Virus, peteboy and me…now I’ve never had a Real jersey so I cant do it, but when Man U pulls of their classic 3 minute- 3 goals games or Henry gets red carded- the college paints itself in motley colours… so you have another style funda: jerseys, be it Man U, Real, Barca or may even be PSV I have seen almost all of them in college. Now most people I know really know their football, like this guy virus, I mean please hadd hoti he yaar….now this guy seriously knows too much, I mean screw stadium names and refree origins, this guy’d probably know the name of the dhobi who washes the coaches towels…Thats all good, what blows is when you see either a Sania tee (for heavens sake……she doesn’t look good!!!) or the college gardener sporting a Leeds jersey.

Back to the pory-isms, now there is this dombivili cha porgya zzz who one day wore a blouse to college, I mean seriously, did he think I was gonna see A FLOWER on a t-shirt and let it fly: hell mo-fo no!!! Upon my "advice" I assume he aptly returned his blouse to his sister (or should I just tell the truth…he gave it to his ‘fat only in the stomach’ sexetary I mean sexretary…). But in zzz’ defense peteboy also braved a pink shirt once, okay pink is the color of power and jazz but when you know someone who has have two pink shirts its time to button up your shirt!!!!

Now my favorite part, the cheaters in my college, the so called lecturers, the ASSt profs and the scarce profs, now as I know it only one of em wears formal shoes everyday to coll, but then he’s the one handing out all the drops (year offs, what ever you call it) so I guess its okay...I know one who is true to his legion and wears sneakers on shirts and formal trousers and the rest of them fit into the elite clan called the ‘Phatta Chappal Core’ god these chindi chors, if you’d pay as much attention to this crap as me you’d realize the origins of their shirts, you’d know that this shirt is his wedding shirt, this his daughter stitched up this morning, this one is a suite-dhaap, am I jobless or what!!!!! But seriously the way they dress is simply dismal. He he he I almost forgot, there is also the bali-tan chak (see in engg colleges you don’t have chicks you have a variant called chak) who wears stuff she stole from a nikah the previous morn but tries to conceal it under her burkha, she’d might as well “hide” it!!! By the way she’s the men don’t wax so why should I kinds!!

I’d love to continue being the devils advocatei, but phatta chappal parmood’s viva beckons, and after a super sexy dme 2 viva, you kinda feel the need of being more than “I have no idea sir!!!”

Bakwas